Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
