My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
