barbara walters just said penis...
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
