Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Boobs are out for the taking
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Randomize
