I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
