We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I'm at about main and main street
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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