My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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