I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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