my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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