i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
