you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
