i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
