This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
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