Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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