I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
