Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
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