I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Randomize
