plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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