Will you blow on my dice?
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Floor bacon is actually really good
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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