i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Randomize
