I can tuck mytits in my pants
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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