guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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