Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Randomize
