Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
