just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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