You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
