it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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