I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
