Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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