I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Randomize
