Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
