I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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