can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
