New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
