If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
