flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
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