I got chris browned last night
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Someone signed my nipple.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
