what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
