3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Randomize
