I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
