you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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