I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
