A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
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