she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
