there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
