Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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