I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
