From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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