Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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