his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
