remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
