She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
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